Things facebook doesn't need to know.

Engagement. What does it really mean? That you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. FOREVER with that one person. Why? Why would you do something like that when you’re not even going to be in the same state for YEARS. Whatever. I’m not upset. Just worried about you. You obviously don’t see how completely unhappy you will be years from now. Because you made the wrong decision. That’s on you though, bro. Don’t mind me. I just care about you. I’ll sit back and watch you make these horrible decisions. Not like you would talk to me or listen to me anyway. Thanks for ruining my life.

I love God. I really really do. BUT I DON’T HAVE PASSION ANYMORE. I don’t know where it went. I don’t really know if I have passion for anything in life anymore. I know I do when I perform. I feel it. But love. I mean REAL love for something… He took it away. When he left. He made me feel like… If he couldn’t love me, why should anyone else? How could someone? I don’t know why he had to take that part of me. I  still feel joy. And hope. And love sometimes. But the on fire feeling I had, I’ve lost. Was that because of me? What did I do? Give up. Because I don’t see what I’m doing is changing anything. I don’t see the affect. I want my passion back. I want to be loved in return when I love someone.

A new day. A new sun. A new smile. A new me. Soft skin. Laughter. Red lips. Busy days. No more freakouts. No more “You’re so dramatic!”. It’s chill. No worries. Like walking in the sand…

WHO AM I KIDDING. I miss you. It’s a yearning feeling in my heart. ALL THE TIME. It never goes away. I see something that reminds me of you daily. I hope you’re okay.

A year ago today I had just told my mom about us. She worried that I was falling too hard, too fast but I assured her not to worry. And that you had fallen too. I wasn’t sure if you really had. But you acted like it. And on April 13th, you told me that you loved me. And that you had for awhile. So I had guessed that you did. Weeks like this are so hard. I don’t understand how something can affect you in such a short amount of time with no warning whatsoever. I wish you would get out of my head. I still pray for you. Everyday.

Exactly one year ago today I was bored out of my mind in the UCO dorms thinking about watching a movie. We hadn’t talked in 2 days, which was a long time for us, because you had told me you just wanted to be friends and you didn’t want anything more than that for a while. I understood your wishes no matter how much I wanted you to be mine. Around 9 o clock you texted me asking if I wanted to hang out tonight. I of course said sure. And then 2 of my best friends called me and said they were picking me up to do something fun so I told you that we would hang out as soon as I got back from that. I texted you around 11 after I went and smoked hooka with friends. You and Jeff left Yukon and got to me around 1145. We talked and hung out until the sunrise and I had never felt the feelings I felt that night before. You held my hand and we shared our first kiss. I had fallen in love as soon as our fingers touched. Little did I know that it would end as quickly as it had started. Falling out of love wasn’t so quick though. You were mine for 38 days. Then you left me. Broken. Alone. Crazy about you. I don’t think I fell out of love until around January of this year. I still love you. More than positive I always will. I’m just not IN love with you anymore. But nevermind about all of this. These feelings are left in the past. Along with my heartache and with you. 

I wish scars would heal and never be visible again.  

In 1 day it would mark the anniversary of me falling in love with you. Today means 1 year and 22 days since I told you that I was head over heels in complete love with you. And on April 28, it would mark one year of me without you in my life. One year that was full of many different emotions. Complete and utter brokenness, happiness, feeling totally alone, and joy. I do still wonder about you. I do still love you. I always will. I just wish that somehow you would be okay with coming back into my life. Not that I need you. Just because I miss you. There were so many things that didn’t happen that were supposed to. First and foremost, you were supposed to love me back. Things weren’t supposed to change. You weren’t supposed to leave me brokenhearted. And I shouldn’t have trusted you so early. You shouldn’t have gotten my heart March 19. You obviously didn’t deserve it if you were just going to leave me out in the cold, trying to catch my breath. I don’t like that you have the satisfaction of knowing you broke my heart and that you still have some pieces of it. Thank you for helping me know what not to look for in a guy. 

My body hurts from all this living. Im trying to be happy for everything in my life. It’s way too hard.

I just want to be told that I mean something to someone. I want to be told that I am worth something. I want to be done with this year right now. I wish it was August. I know that that won’t help me. Boys may make me feel even more alone than I already do. I just hate this feeling. So empty. 

I just want to be held again. I’m sick of feeling unappreciated and alone. I did something stupid. Drunk kisses were given. I didn’t share any secrets this time. I feel so broken. So far down this spiral that I’m going down. So many people surround my life all the time and I still feel completely unwanted. Undesired. Unworthy. Never good enough. I just need to be held. To be told everything is okay and will be. My heart is becoming cold from the lack of warmth surrounding me. I am so tired. Emotionally drained. Sometimes it hurts to breathe.